I know there aren't many people who read this anymore. Livejournal has pretty much gone the way of the Dodo. But occasionally, i feel like I need to talk here if only because I'm pretty sure no one will hear me here.
Does that make any sense? Maybe not. But I am large. I contain multitudes.
I am in a bit of a strange place right now and I think I need to quantify it a bit, if only for myself. So here goes:
I radically simplified things. For a while there I was working two jobs, sort-of working a third, doing a show and subsisting on fast food and cat-naps no longer than 3 hours.
I came to the conclusion that something needed to go. and it was the full-time job at IBM.
I was falling behind the curve on what I actually needed to know in order to actually do the job at all, and I spent more time watching hulu, writing, and dicking around on Facebook than any actual work. It was literally the only job I've ever worked where i could nap for an hour and no one would even look crossways at me.
I cut it loose. Don't misunderstand. I am a fairly lazy individual, but even that was too sedentary for me. and the pay was shit. Additionally, I would discover that my benefits were essentially a mirage each time I would attempt to use them.
I was asked back, at a critical juncture to S&ME, which used to be Qore. The people there liked me, and I guess they missed me, and they asked me to come back. And as things were souring at IBM, they asked me if I would be interested in coming back full time, at about a dollar more an hour than I was making at IBM.
Monday will be my first day at S&ME as a fulltimer. And...I'll be making 10 bucks an hour for the first time in my life. Which is great. Also, I'll have health care that won't melt away like dew on the spring grass. While, i'm not as strong or spry as I was when I worked there before, I am slowly but surely losing weight again, needing to drink less soda, and I'm finding I'm taking an interest in element of the job that I previously disdained. I actually see the job now and it's value in a way I did not before. It's still work, but it's better work, and I know it makes an actual difference in the world. Unlike my pointless serfdom at IBM.
I also still technically have the Standardized Patient job at the UK college of medicine. But it doesn't happen very often. I think i came off as not very professional to certain people and as a result, they only e-mail me when they are hurting for people to do something.
The last couple of years have been a long, hard slog through maddening and interesting times. Fun projects, but some went sideways. Good work, but having Jim Rockford's devil of a time getting paid for it. Some film work. Some commercial work. And now, for the first time, in a long time, a few months off from all acting projects.
I came to the grim and unpleasant realization that my own industry in the last couple of years was destroying me. The additional expenses of gas and fast food have increased in price, while the financial renumeration i would receive in recompense for my time and effort wouldn't even defray THOSE costs. Still, the problem was not that people were pushing off unwanted things onto me, but rather I was inundated by people coming around and asking me to do things i wanted to do. And for the most part, i want to say yes, simply because there may come a day when they stop.
I don't THINK i'm retired from the stage. But I also don't think things are going to change, even if the economy starts looking up. At present, the itch to be on stage in front of people is easily managed with occasional Karaoke outings. If it gets stronger though, I may have to seek greener pastures.
One of my housemates is moving out next month. Fortunately, my other housemate doesn't seem to be panicking.(Normally, he becomes utterly useless) We have a potential plan in place and it will probably be okay. I am however hoping that it doesn't end up soaking up every single bit of extra cash for the next couple of months from the new job. Otherwise, we seem to be weathering things alright. I am going to miss little Max and Kaylin, but I am not going to mess all the extra cat-mess
Other than Fiddler party writing, I have done nothing. I think if I were more convinced that was a decent writer, i'd be more worried. As it is, I don't have any kind of creative motive force of late. My writing has almost always been a powerful vision of something that far outstrips my actual ability to frame it properly. But If I have no vision, there's not much going to be written. Properly or otherwise. Lately i am not inspired by anything. I see no hole in the world, i am uniquely suited to plug. I expect that this too will pass.
Around Christmas, I got rejected by someone who I felt was growing closer to me. Not long after telling me that she wasn't attracted to me, or indeed anyone at all, she hooked up with some other fella. Then, I was forced to do a show with her.
I can comfort myself with the certain knowledge that I did not act like a giant douchebag, nor did i lose my temper or speak in way to her that was less than civil. But i was glad when the show was over. It felt like like laying down a cross i was carrying uphill. At present, I feel entirely empty of any romantic thoughts or aspirations, and this is the weird bit, pleasantly so. There is no woman in my life on my radar or on my horizon, and at present, that's just fine. I expect this too will change, but I still hold in my heart the perfectly unlikely idea that it's just barely possible that I could fall in love with someone who is not an actress, a psychopath, or, as is usual, the combo platter.