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kinesys
02 January 2014 @ 09:44 pm
If you're seeing this, it means that occasionally you still tune into this funny little channel.

But I don't much anymore. I still check in, but mostly to read the webcomics that are aggregated here. Most of my friends don't really use this place anymore.

It's a bit sad. I liked writing here.

But with this new year, comes a desire to prune away at the old and see how fast i can go without so much baggage holding me back.

Next week i intend to deep six this account completely. Assuming you can still even DO that.
However, if you want to keep up with me, and don't have me on facebook already. You are more than welcome to friend me up there.

My Name is Pete Sears (And no. I am not the guy from jefferson airplane.)
If you're not already a friend send me a message. Facebook will slot it in the "Other" folder for messages, but I promise to keep a weather eye out for them. This way, I'll know you're not trying to hack me or show me naked pictures for a reasonable price.
 
 
kinesys
07 October 2013 @ 03:48 am
Earlier this week I happened to read my horoscope. Now, I'm not a believer in horoscopes, but I've always liked Rob Brezny's Real Astrology column in the Ace Magazine and now online. He has a way of making you think about things that don't really rely on the idea that the stars and planets are moving you around like a chess piece.

This week however, he posed a question that I was unprepared for. He said," This week you should consider where you are now and where you want to be in 3 years. Does the gap between these two states of being horrify you? Motivate you? possibly a combination of the two?"

I had to stop for a moment and step back. I literally cannot remember the last time I thought farther ahead than say, a month. Theater kicks the ever-living crap out of my schedule and my energy. I haven't really ever worked a job that I've considered to be an alternative career, and my writing may not exactly stink on ice, but if I can't seem to get anybody interested in it, and my confidence as a writer is essentially shot, then what's the bloody point?

And even in a marketplace where my one true talent is so undervalued and underpayed, that I'm starting to feel like Jim Rockford...I wonder if it wouldn't be better to retire from the stage altogether.

I literally can't picture 3 years from now. I have no goals that last that long or would seriously transform my life in a meaningful way. My financial situation is one of constant white-water and I am so drained by it that I can't think beyond the present set of fucking problems.

It's times like these that make me want to fake my own death and fuck off for the high ground. Not that i have money to travel or pay for a corpse.
 
 
kinesys
19 August 2013 @ 02:16 am
If you have any kind of intellect. You have questions.

If you are particularly smart you question everything at least once.

Lately, I find myself questioning my worth and the worth of every single scrap of work I have ever done. Of course, this is not designed to make me feel good. It's just one of the myriad ways i have of torturing myself, like thinking of past relationship and trying to figure out what i could have done.

I kind of wish that I had decided to go into another field other than acting or writing. I don't know what it would be, but the ability to point at something tangible and say "I did THAT at least" would be a comfort on nights like these.

Even I know, that I've had an effect on this world and the people around me. I'm not so blind that I can't see THAT. But it doesn't shake the feeling that all my works are only so many bagatelles. Little fripperies and bits of airy persiflage.

I've naught but a bag of tricks.

Like all things of this nature. This weather will pass. I only hope that on the other side of it lies some sunny weather or impetus to press on.
 
 
kinesys
11 August 2013 @ 01:36 am
I like the kid. I really do. He and I have done a lot together. He never made me into some kind of bad-ass that I wasn't, nor did he ever lose sight of the idea that I was all about changing a bad situation.

In a lot of ways, he and I are just facets of the same jewel. For most people, the idea of Tulpa is something to be rigorously controlled. Something that dances dangerously close to the siren song of schizophrenia. For most people, that may even be true.

But he's an unusual cat. His mind, i would say even his very soul is essentially protean. He listens to his internal voices in a way that no one else does. Like a fish swimming.

I would say, i'm some element of a cast-iron forged ID. The kind of fella who has seen and done a lot of things and not all of them wise, but all of them designed to broaden my horizons. Did it cost me some brain cells? Sure. Was I occasionally incarcerated? Yeah. Did i have the shit kicked out of me more than once? You know it. But did i come back stronger?

Every single time.

I wish the kid had more of what I have. He more courageous than he used to be. He's certainly come into a bit more of his power. He only occasionally has those flashes of extreme shyness now, and he's not as lonely as he used to be.

But he still struggles with things. Things, that I don't think "I" would have to struggle with. But then again, "I'm" fictional and my six marriages speak to the fact that i'm not exactly built for long haul commitment either.

I like him. He's a good guy. He maybe deserves better than what he gets. He's kind in a way that I'm not. and he's able to endure things that i'd crumble under. I wish he'd learn to stop dating actresses.

We don't talk as much as we used to. And sometimes, I know we miss one another.
But he knows that I'm always going to be here for him. and maybe one day we'll find the missing piece of the puzzle. The sad thing is, I think he thinks it's in someone else's heart. It's not.

But the kid...He's hard-headed that way. He makes ME look like 50 miles of marshmallow fluff at times.

Anyways, that's an awful lot of verbiage to be bandying around, when all I really wanted to do was wish him a happy birthday.
 
 
kinesys
31 July 2013 @ 11:03 pm
So we're losing a housemate. That, by itself is usually a problem.

Mike is moving out and normally anything that causes ripples in our domestic equillibrium makes my other housemate, Jim, flip right the hell out.

in fact, it was thought that he would move out in January, and he became well nigh useless.

As it is, he seems to be holding it together for the moment, and since, i'm making decent money at the new job, I'm not altogether worried myself... Yet.

But i put the word out that I was shopping for a housemate. I was approached by a woman I know, who is looking for digs for only 4-6 months while she bides waiting for a slot at a christian apartment complex. After showing her the place, she seems to like it, but as we talked, (I drove her to her current digs, where she is renting week to week.) she unspooled a complicated tale of woe that makes me think that she might just be the most unlucky person on earth. And while I understand her current plight, and I'm not unsympathetic, I can't help but feel that lodging her here will be massive mistake. She doesn't have a proper job and is living off her boyfriends largess. Will I now have to go shake him down for rent monies? This whole thing is smelling sketchy.

Fortunately, I have another friend who is coming to look at the place tomorrow. I hope it will meet his needs, because he'll likely be here until the end of the school year. Frankly I'm not keen to be looking for a new housemate all over again in 4-6 months.

The lady also called me today to tell me that she thinks the place she is in has bedbugs.I can hear the desperation in her voice.

I am not looking forward to telling her no, and I'm not looking forward to telling her yes.
 
 
kinesys
07 July 2013 @ 02:06 am
I know there aren't many people who read this anymore. Livejournal has pretty much gone the way of the Dodo. But occasionally, i feel like I need to talk here if only because I'm pretty sure no one will hear me here.

Does that make any sense? Maybe not. But I am large. I contain multitudes.

I am in a bit of a strange place right now and I think I need to quantify it a bit, if only for myself. So here goes:

1) Work
I radically simplified things. For a while there I was working two jobs, sort-of working a third, doing a show and subsisting on fast food and cat-naps no longer than 3 hours.
I came to the conclusion that something needed to go. and it was the full-time job at IBM.
I was falling behind the curve on what I actually needed to know in order to actually do the job at all, and I spent more time watching hulu, writing, and dicking around on Facebook than any actual work. It was literally the only job I've ever worked where i could nap for an hour and no one would even look crossways at me.
I cut it loose. Don't misunderstand. I am a fairly lazy individual, but even that was too sedentary for me. and the pay was shit. Additionally, I would discover that my benefits were essentially a mirage each time I would attempt to use them.
I was asked back, at a critical juncture to S&ME, which used to be Qore. The people there liked me, and I guess they missed me, and they asked me to come back. And as things were souring at IBM, they asked me if I would be interested in coming back full time, at about a dollar more an hour than I was making at IBM.

Monday will be my first day at S&ME as a fulltimer. And...I'll be making 10 bucks an hour for the first time in my life. Which is great. Also, I'll have health care that won't melt away like dew on the spring grass. While, i'm not as strong or spry as I was when I worked there before, I am slowly but surely losing weight again, needing to drink less soda, and I'm finding I'm taking an interest in element of the job that I previously disdained. I actually see the job now and it's value in a way I did not before. It's still work, but it's better work, and I know it makes an actual difference in the world. Unlike my pointless serfdom at IBM.

I also still technically have the Standardized Patient job at the UK college of medicine. But it doesn't happen very often. I think i came off as not very professional to certain people and as a result, they only e-mail me when they are hurting for people to do something.

2) Acting
The last couple of years have been a long, hard slog through maddening and interesting times. Fun projects, but some went sideways. Good work, but having Jim Rockford's devil of a time getting paid for it. Some film work. Some commercial work. And now, for the first time, in a long time, a few months off from all acting projects.
I came to the grim and unpleasant realization that my own industry in the last couple of years was destroying me. The additional expenses of gas and fast food have increased in price, while the financial renumeration i would receive in recompense for my time and effort wouldn't even defray THOSE costs. Still, the problem was not that people were pushing off unwanted things onto me, but rather I was inundated by people coming around and asking me to do things i wanted to do. And for the most part, i want to say yes, simply because there may come a day when they stop.
I don't THINK i'm retired from the stage. But I also don't think things are going to change, even if the economy starts looking up. At present, the itch to be on stage in front of people is easily managed with occasional Karaoke outings. If it gets stronger though, I may have to seek greener pastures.

3) Home
One of my housemates is moving out next month. Fortunately, my other housemate doesn't seem to be panicking.(Normally, he becomes utterly useless) We have a potential plan in place and it will probably be okay. I am however hoping that it doesn't end up soaking up every single bit of extra cash for the next couple of months from the new job. Otherwise, we seem to be weathering things alright. I am going to miss little Max and Kaylin, but I am not going to mess all the extra cat-mess

4) Writing
Other than Fiddler party writing, I have done nothing. I think if I were more convinced that was a decent writer, i'd be more worried. As it is, I don't have any kind of creative motive force of late. My writing has almost always been a powerful vision of something that far outstrips my actual ability to frame it properly. But If I have no vision, there's not much going to be written. Properly or otherwise. Lately i am not inspired by anything. I see no hole in the world, i am uniquely suited to plug. I expect that this too will pass.

5) Love
Around Christmas, I got rejected by someone who I felt was growing closer to me. Not long after telling me that she wasn't attracted to me, or indeed anyone at all, she hooked up with some other fella. Then, I was forced to do a show with her.

I can comfort myself with the certain knowledge that I did not act like a giant douchebag, nor did i lose my temper or speak in way to her that was less than civil. But i was glad when the show was over. It felt like like laying down a cross i was carrying uphill. At present, I feel entirely empty of any romantic thoughts or aspirations, and this is the weird bit, pleasantly so. There is no woman in my life on my radar or on my horizon, and at present, that's just fine. I expect this too will change, but I still hold in my heart the perfectly unlikely idea that it's just barely possible that I could fall in love with someone who is not an actress, a psychopath, or, as is usual, the combo platter.
 
 
kinesys
Are you certain you really want to have this discussion?

Ok.

No.

I don't want to be "just friends".

I am not interested in trying to be in a relationship with someone who is not interested in being in a relationship with me. That's just a whole smorgasbord of emotional pain for me.

Also, I am not interested in having a ringside seat for when you meet someone you do want to be with. That's a whole level of hurt beyond the real or imagined slights of the situation I just talked about.

You might say that you don't want to ruin our friendship. It's too late for that. I just put 2 bullets behind it's ear. Either way this was going to go, our relationship was going to change. There's no reset button.

I'm sure you'd LIKE for it to go back the way it was, where I loved you without any hope of reciprocity, because then you wouldn't be losing a friend. But if I lose a love, the fucking LEAST you could do, is lose me as a friend.

To demand that I remain in your life, after I screwed my courage to the sticking place, looked you in the eye, and put myself out there for you... And was rejected, shows a deep selfishness, and remarkable lack of sensitivity for my emotions. And if that's how you really want it, Then fuck you. I'm well shut of you.

We were friends. I wanted more. You wanted less. To pretend that going forward with one another is going to be anything less than painful for me, is bullshit. And going back to the way it was is NOT second prize.

I'd like to hate you for it. It would make my emotional life much less complicated and probably be easier on my GI tract. But I don't want to carry hate around. I don't need it weighing me down.

Don't make it impossible for me to let go of that Hate.
Don't make me hate you.
 
 
Current Mood: Morose, but not necessarily suicidal.
 
 
kinesys
24 January 2012 @ 01:12 am
Apparently LJ is axing users that don't post very often. Since i've more or less decamped out to Facebook. (Pete Sears if you're interested) I only stop in here to read Marcochacon's insightful political analysis, and keep up with some friends and my web-comics.

But it might not be a bad idea to occasionally post here to talk about things i can't in other places. Maybe i'll do that then.
 
 
kinesys
29 April 2011 @ 09:56 am
I am looking for cheap hostelry for Origins weekend.
Isn't there a passel of hotels located on the interstate about 10 miles out from town proper? What's that Exit Number? I must admit i'm a little stymied in trying to find lodging that's not actually in town proper.

ALSO: Where's the best place to park cheap within a few blocks of convention centre? Someplace only a local is liable to know. I am fortunate insofar as I will not be monstrously over-packed this year.
 
 
kinesys
25 March 2011 @ 03:01 am
I am an idiot. I remembered the last time i did two shows back to back and yet i went and big fat did it anyway. I really should know better.

And it looks as if Belle Brezing, if'n i get cast for it, will fire up almost immediately after I finish with the Rocky Horror Show. MADNESS!

Still, It's not all bad news. While I am generally sleep deprived at all times now, i can say honestly that i am on balance feeling fine. I've cut out caffeinated beverage altogether and i'm eating healthier. I'm losing weight as a direct result.

I've had the sniffles for the last few days, but it could have been a full blown cold. It only wasn't by dint of taking my vitamins regularly.

Had my identity stolen, but card services and my bank were so on top of it that I won't be liable for ANY of the fraudulent purposes. I'm fairly sure it's some teen jerk in my neighborhood as i've noticed my mail has been rifled through. I almost feel sorry for the little puke as he/she will likely be charged with electronic fraud.

Work life is the usual bunch of crap.

As much as i might bitch about my general lack of energy i have to say, i wouldn't trade working on this show for nearly anything. I love those crazy BCTC kids and i love working for Tim Davis. So, i may be tired, but i still be smiling.

Hell, one more show and i might be carved out of wood. Need to figure out some time during the day to do about ten minutes of free weights.