Blue funk.
And certain things are beginning to look like they might not materialize, at least, not before the holiday proper.

There are a few bright spots. Demonoid came back finally so there is entertainment value to be had ATM. My Chat game continues to be cool. and things are relatively quiet, so that's okay.
I mean, i'm not depressed AND stressed out.

Tried my hand at writing some stuff down, but i'm going through one of those phases where i can plainly see what i'm writing is crap. Fun-o!

Most of my holiday doldrums come out of the fact that i get kind of wound up about the holiday. There are a few folks in my life and my family of course, who, if i had the resources, i'd spoil rotten for the holiday. I'd like to. But the choices that i've made over the course of life probably will cause me to remain a poor actor/writer/singer till the end of my days. This season tends to throw those feelings into sharp relief. I don't reckon i'll ever be well to do, and X-mas makes me feel the closest thing i usually get to regret over those decisions.

Add to that, the seemingly inevitable money crisis, illness, or god help me, the Combo platter...

And you can perhaps see why i might be out of sorts.
Ah well things could be worse, have been in the past, and i'm sure there will be Christmas seasons to come that will bring on the Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul.

It's probably a bad sign that every single receipt that i get when i shop gets scrutinized for cash giveaways in exchange for taking a phone survey. and GOD aren't there a lot of them...

My state of mind has seen better days.

There are good things, but the X-mas season gnaws at my calm in ways great and small.
I'm still enjoying play at Insidious Reflection. And I am slowly but surely becoming more of a fan of Werewolf. Who knew? Butch Stillman is fun to play and reminds me of some of the more fun aspects of playing Doc Hardesty on WanWic.
And Vampire is slowly ramping back up. Douglas needs about 100 points cover all the moves he's made, and i need those points yesterday damnit! But i shall have to be patient. Happily, Douglas does patient better than I do.

Still no writing. Recent events have left me a little demoralized on that front. Right now I don't feel as if i have a creative bone in my body. I am tired all the time,I think my body may be trying to catch cold. Thankfully, my vitamins are keeping all that at bay.

The family is all in a kind of rocky place. Most of them, i think just hoping to navigate the holiday season without some shit-storm breaking wide.

I'm still soldiering on. There's money in the pipe from my work on "Bald Soprano" which i suspect will be spent on presents for the family. The problem is, normally, my paycheck hits the bank very early in the morning on friday. A quick glance at the calendar indicates that this will of course mean, that a nice paycheck, which i can actually spend most of, will hit my bank account at 4 am Christmas eve. Same deal for new years eve.

Nor is it very likely that this will be taken into account by the powers that be, at my workplace and some sort of arrangement will be made. This, as you might imagine, fills me with a desire to step into the ranks of Legendary work-place saboteurs in some kind of sky-lighting atrocity that middle managers will tell their children for years to come.

Ah well. it's good that i'm far too tired for those sorts of shenanigans.

I swear, if it weren't for Hulu, I'd crack. Although, there is a slight possibility that I'll be able to export myself and the Pinkster off to Louisville for the time in about a year. I do hope it come off.

Once the holidays are over, i think i'll need to shake some dust off me.

Some updatery:

Good game of Camarilla Mage larp. I'm starting to really like playing Alan Crane. He's fun, even when i am horribly sleep depraved. Err. Deprived...One of those things.

Went to Lowes. Lowes is becoming a guilty pleasure of mine. I purchased a couple of oddments for small projects around the house, and did two of them already. Fixed the hand rail for the stairs. I am filled with Testoterone. Seriously. I am SO butch.

If i can break loose some additional space in the garage, I'll build a workbench. I've already priced the lumber and everything. Then there will be some serious pegboard for tool storage. I have foreseen it.

Having some unpleasant writer's block. No breaks in the logjam in sight.

Amusing Quotes that i saw somewhere and now cannot remember where:
"Any sufficiently advanced reality is indistinguishable from Photoshop."

It does a number on my teeth.
It is a broncho-dilator and as such is capable of making me noticeable short of breath.
it irritates my throat.
It wrecks my sleep.

It doesn't even jolt me awake particularly anymore.

I think, come the new year, i will either restrict myself to one can a day. or give it up entirely. I've been meaning to for a while now. Need to find a good source for Ginseng tablets. If i require the occasional stimulant, i might as well get something that's organic and better for me anyway.

As is usual, things are kind of in a holding pattern until the holidays are over with. Unfortunately, I'm kind of needing a positive shake-up in the status quo, Not a burn the house down, and fake my own death kind of shake-up but something different. Something positive.

Nice to have some extra time. I'm catching up on things.
Thursday looks like it will be a long day with two thanksgiving dinners that can't be beat, and then work that night. It appears i'll be working every single fucking night of the holidays and not receive holiday pay for it, once again.

Ah well. Things could be worse. As long as there is life, there is hope.

You know, Time is a finite resource, which is easy to forget when you have lots of it, but i've just had a few months of show rehearsals and shows to help remind me how there truly aren't enough hours in the day.

So, now i have free time again. Which is nice, and I am enjoying it.
Most of my books that i ordered online have arrived, (Free Council being the only exception) and today my buttons and shirt arrived. I am wearing it now. It is the one that says in great big block letters on the front "Wandering Monster" and on the back says, "Ask me about my Treasure Type!"

Screw you, I like it!
Had a great game of vampire larp for the first time in a long while. Mainly because i was NO longer an ST.
Lately, my ability to enjoy a game depends largely on whether i have to run it or not. But Pinky is definitely back in the saddle, although i have no earthly idea on exactly where I'm going with him. Maybe he knows. Maybe he'll even tell me.

Insidious Reflection is undergoing a site flip in a couple of weeks. Chaos ensues.
Sleep is good. And i enjoy it now more than ever.

I have a feeling that the next big project is percolating inside me, I don't know what it is yet, but i can definitely feel it moving around back there, gathering itself for the great leap outward.

When you're on short money for a long period of time, you build up in your mind a list of things you intend to pick up when you're flush. Some of this happened today. A trip to lowes was accomplished and certain things were purchased. Tools and such.

Additionally, i priced some lumber, which was happy to discover it was going to be cheaper than i thought. As a result it appears that my desire to build a large workbench for the garage is MUCH closer to reality. Yay!

I also conceived of a desire to purchase a book frame for holding a book up. It's a prop-y looking thing with two wing lookin things that holds a book open for easy perusal and leaves your hands free.

And then i saw it. I was idly perusing a stand near the information desk, and i saw a section of Filofaxes.

Now. For those of you who don't know me personally, and who haven't heard me rail on the vast unfairness of the world in this respect. I shall enlighten you as to how earthshaking this is.

I have a small black notebook. I call it my other brain. It is a six hole punch notebook, but it is small enough and slim enough to fit in a pocket. This combination of factors apparently was not something that was big on the market.
I can find any number of slim notebooks, All of them are bound or are spiral notebooks.
I can find any number of organizers with six hole punch mechanism but not a one of them are small enough. Most of them are bulky organizer looking things. Which are fine for what they do.

The whole purpose of this, is that i keep notes, and my character sheets in it, and i can tuck it into my suit pocket and not even ruin the line of my suit.

Seems oddly specific i guess, But it drives me crazy that they have apparently stopped making this type of book altogether. I have bore countless friends shitless by hectoring and crabbing about this. The D20 version of Aeon Adventure! inspires the same level of lathering wall punching fury.

My current "Other brain" is somewhat ragged. It's held together almost entirely by Gorilla tape. So i've been casting about for a while now to find a new one. And filofax makes them.

Now, the one's at Joseph-Beth were too expensive. But, a little thinking put me wise to the idea of coming home and checking the Filofax site, Where i found what i need for 30 bucks less.

I am so happy right now, i could plotz. :D

I was very constructive today. Got the cable and rent attended to. Did some shopping for necessities and a few necessary article. Bought a new pair of "Good" shoes. (A nice pair of black leather slip on dress shoes.) Didn't get back to the laundry, but i may this morning.

A light crowd tonight, but they had a good time and so did we.

You know, it occurs to me that part and parcel of my whole problem with the stage in the last few years has been that i've been forgetting to have fun.
It gets lost in the shuffle if one is not careful.
The hurley-burley of modern life can suck all the fun out of things. You get sick, Your job is kicking your ass, a woman breaks your heart and all of a sudden the passion you had for your art burns away and everything seems like a fucking JOB.  And when that happens, any little things like mild allergies and assorted crap like that seem like tiny pry bars prizing away any enjoyment you could POSSIBLY have.  After all, if you're constantly worried about having a coughing jag onstage, you're certainly not in the proper frame of mind to have a good time, or even relax.

and i have been trying figure out some way around the fucking symptoms when all i really had to do was remember how to have fun. and i've been doing it for YEARS... I...words simply fail me.

But even on a show that has caused me as much agita as this one has, i found a way to relax and enjoy the play. Remembered that i was actually good at this thing. and now...Well maybe I've been given a new lease on this.

Who knows.

Also: THE METAL!

For no adequately explained reason, my missing paycheck turned up tonight.

Not only that but the show was fun tonight as well. I'm even having less trouble with my spiting/hawking/congestion trouble right before going onstage.  

One of my fellow actors put me onto Luden's cough drops, which apparently have a great deal less sugar than Halls, which i've used forever. In fact, the honey-lemon ones even taste better.  So now, my throat is soothed but then NOT re-aggravated by left behind sugar. Win/WIn!

Bill paying tomorrow, groceries. and then barring acts of god, my next check will turn up on time this saturday, which i'll get to spend the bulk of. Yay!   I think i should seriously consider doing as much of my X-mas shopping as possible.

So. opening night was pretty good last night.  Some friends came out and saw the play and most of them had a few drinks. (Which i recommend for this one.)  So a good time was had by all.

Received a few lovely compliments on my accent and my moustache. (Weird!) and i feel oddly rejuvenated. 

Tonight, is "Pay what you can" night, so if you're a friend and/or local to me, come on down and see the show. It'll be a largely theater geek crowd tonight, so fairly live in my estimation.

Still no money from the company, but i'm making moves that hopefully will break the fund loose. Wish me luck.

 Still no money. The check has also not turned up. Still angry as hell about it.

Opening night for the show tonight.  It seems to be gelling well and i only had a single bobble yesterday. In a few hours we'll have one last crack at the stage before showing it to paying customers. 

Cracking good game of Mage last night here at the New Geek Palace. It seems like all roads are leading to rome.  In any case,  Alan Crane is fun to play.  I just wish we had a few more players who dig mage, but then again, if we did, then our ST would probably be too busy to run things.  It's where i ended up.

Actually looking forward to playing the pinkster again.

Having a good time on Insidious Reflection. Am fast becoming a devotee of Werewolf. Who knew?
Playing a heavy combat character modeled loosely on Doc Hardesty, from my wanton wicked days, and newly informed by my new interest in "Sons of Anarchy".

Also, still loving the Mage Victorian game.  But in the last week or so, my desire has been more "Hulk Smash" rather than tea and crumpets.

Finally got myself a bank account again. It pisses off to no end that my employer pressured me into getting Direct Deposit, but it has solved at least one serious obstacle in my life, and from what i'm reading here in my information packet from the bank, they seem to be a nearly evil free bank.  No bank is completely free of evil, but this is Diet coke of Evil.   I can live with that, i think.
Now all i have to do is yell at my goddamn employers until they put my money in the account.

As a result, i'm selling off parts of various collections again. Parts that i suspect i will miss.  But then again on the other hand, it's also simplifying my life to a degree. Less clutter means more space.

Ah well. Laundry and Dishes are working, so if nothing else goes right today, at least i got THAT accomplished.

Paycheck has still not come. I think it is officially lost.

Have contacted my boss who swears he will call HR this morning and find out what's the what. Says that they will suggest i get direct deposit, which will not be happening. For convoluted reasons i cannot get a bank account and I am suspicious of banks and their practices anyways. Hopefully he will have news for me at noon when i call him back.

It is my sincere hope that my dim view of the company will be completely unjustified in this regard. I am however expecting them to tell him that either:
a) They'll add the hours onto my next check, leaving me without funds for another week and change.
or
b) They'll send me a new check, but via the same process they normally do, which will probably take four days.

Optimal action of course would be, "No problem at all! We'll cut you a new check today and have it overnighted to your home!"
You'll note the lack of me holding my breath.

I really really hope that the company doesn't see fit to wipe it's ass with my trust.

Yes.  That's Right. Still no paycheck.

You can all thank girlhair for being so kind to me and preventing my tri-state killing spree.

I don't know why this aggravates me to the point of psychosis.
I also don't know of all the jobs i've ever had this one seems to have had the most trouble with getting my money in hand.

 Today was a bridge too far.

This play/work combination had sucked every single extra Erg of energy out of me for the last two weeks. I am thoroughly mentally exhausted as a direct result. Physically, I'm fine, although my sleep is far from restful, but at least i'm not sick on top of it all.

I'm struggling with the play itself. I don't like it much, but i'm soldiering on with it and the lines in the first scene are tricky and have to be exact. It's making me nuts.

Work is similarly agitating but that should calm down soon enough. It's just been a long hard slog these last two weeks.

All i really wanted was an opportunity to cut loose a bit, hang with some friends, maybe a drink a drink or two, and recharge my mental and spiritual batteries. And i was looking forward to it like a man staggering towards an oasis.

And of course, My paycheck didn't come.
Oh, the rest of the mail came alright. But not the fat paycheck i had been expecting.  In terms of my plans for the weekend it was like a cannonball through the bottom of my dinghy.

I was standing in the street so livid with impotent rage that all i could hear was the blood rushing around in my ears. and all i could think was, "Well. I guess i have my proof."

See, for a while now i've been feeling that God has turned his face away from me. That the challenges of my life have gone beyond mere tribulations to test my poor puny soul and have gone into active detestation. Don't know specifically what i've done to deserve it or even if it's true, maybe i'm just feeling paranoid and persecuted for no reason.

And it's easy to explain away the bad things. Until you get kicked in the teeth for no reason that you can explain.
My time was turned in in the proper fashion. 
The rest of the mail was delivered, it wasn't like before where the mail was delayed because someone was parked in front of the mailbox.
The whole process wasn't delayed by a day because of a holiday prior to today.

There was NO REASON for my paycheck to be late except to fuck up my holiday and my entire weekend.

So i had to call Justin and beg off. I would have been extra-ordinarily poor company this evening, and with a couple of shots in my system i might've knifed someone over something completely innocent.

I shouldn't be surprised. Halloween has become a holiday that seems determined to make me miserable. Either because things run to shit like this,  Or because i'm having a great time, that has to be sharply curtailed because of work, or i'll go to a party, have some fun, a few drinks, and then realize by the end of the party that i'm still going home alone, and end up driving home sober and morose.  It's almost as bad as fucking valentines day.

In a little while I'm going back to bed. Another perfectly good day off utterly shot to shit. 

When they locate my body, i'll probably be in some awkward position prompted by the fact that my entire skeletal structure just completely gave up on our relationship and decided to see other people.

Other than that i'm holding together even though i am still tired all the time. Too much work, too much rehearsal, not enough restful sleep.

Although certain things are looking up.  It appears that although no one looks like they are throwing a house party this year, ourselves included, it does appear that we might have an opportunity to get together at Marrikka's which is not too far from the house. And if all things work themselves out properly, i'll be freshly paid by that point. So YAY!

Additionally, things are picking up again in my Chat Game.  Insidious Reflection has finally gotten their Mage Victorian venue up and running, I had an opportunity to play my werewolf tonight for the first time, and it appears that the site redesign is nearly finished which makes me hope that our Admins, who are also our head Vampire ST's will finally be freed up. 

Playing Butch, my werewolf, is an interesting challenge, because he's not much of a talker, whereas Selsdon and Douglas (My Mage and My Vampire respectively) are positively long-winded. But then again, Butch is not much for social stuff. If you want it pounded into a greasy smear with a sledgehammer. He's your man alright.

BTW: another reason to love Hulu,   Apparently, they're loading their movies section with classic horror movies. I watched Coppola's Dracula last night and found they'd added "Fright Night" tonight.  Which i have great affection for.

Also: Jill Scott!   Eat your Hater Tots and drink up your Haterade!

Grind grind grind. No practice tomorrow night but our director wants us for extra hours on sunday. Which is the only night this week i'm not working.  i feel tired all the time now as if the sleep that i am getting isn't restoring me in any way at all.  I shamble through my waking hours and it is truly a good thing that my job actually demands so little of me.

Although tonight is a little different. Friday evening in the library can get a little hectic and annoying as hell. In any event, i intend to go home in the morning and sleep the sleep of the Just, and then get up and have a nice long bath, cook up some serious "Breakfast" and play as much IR as i can tomorrow night. It seems like the only night this week i'll be able to muster up the energy for it.

The only that i seem to be able to do with any degree of regularity is try to get my pipes back into shape.  I sing while i'm wracking tape. And if it hadn't been for mom's hand me Ipod, i wouldn't even be able to do that.   I swear. Some nights, Parliament Funkadelic and Digital Underground are the only things keeping me going, even if it does get me some weird looks from my co-workers.

In any case, i continue to hang on. jah love to you all. Stay warm and stay healthy.

You know what's dumb?  It's dumb when things get so utterly busy and i forget to take my vitamins and my St. John's Wort for a few days and then go through some sort of black funk and a complete lack of energy as a result.
Especially when I can't afford either.

We're two weeks out from "Bald Soprano" and things are beginning to gel. which is good.  Parts of the play are awfuly funny, but i think that mounting a play as the seasons are changing is particularly harsh. Energy is hard to come by right at the moment, not just for myself but for other members of the cast and crew as well.  Even Natasha was tired.  And Natasha is never tired.

In any case, i've had little time and energy that hasn't been thrown into the hopper either for my show or the truly punishing number of hours of work.  Two of our number are on vacation, and i suspect that it will just be me and Scott this friday. Which will suck mightily.  I am additionally annoyed that one of our corporate heads saw fit to wideband a rant at the entire workforce for a number of things that i, personally, am not guilty of.  If you feel the need to yell at someone, find out who is responsible and fucking well yell at them!  GODDAMN that pisses me off. I loathe being tarred with the same brush as the guilty because you can't be bothered to put in the effort to find out who might be doing the screwing up.

In any case, the one bright spot of this weekend had to be a lovely belated birthday card from a good friend, that found me and cheered me up considerably. Also, i got a little playtime in on my Mage Victorian character,  but i am starting to get the distinct impression that the ST no longer wants me to assist her in coming up with material for her game.  I don't know what happened there, but i am getting the feeling that i crossed some line that i did not see and as a result, she's chilled on me and my writing.   Whatever the case, i'll just back the hell off. It's not like I am overly burdened with extra time to do this writing anyway.  I might as well just concentrate on playing.

Although, for the last few nights, i've been too tired to do even that, i've been merely watching my hulu queue and enjoying episodes of "Birds of Prey"   Mia Sara was the perfect choice to play Dr. Harleen Quinzel.   And i'm a sucker for Dina Meyer anytime and anyplace.
Heroes continues to not suck.  Also, I hear word that we might get new episodes of "Chuck" fairly soon too.  And i still love my "Dollhouse"
Geek TV is good right now.

Once i'm out the other side of Soprano, i'll have something of a lay-off for a while. It'll be good. I haven't done two shows back to back in a while.

At least the next two paychecks are going to be nice and healthy. Might have to see about doing a bit of early X-mas shopping. Much as I would like to kid myself otherwise, Decemberween is coming!  Hell, they've got the X-mas stuff up over at the rite-aid near my house already.

Peace and love and good happiness-stuff to all of you out there.

 Snacks! Yay!

Got my paycheck for "Endgame" and after some aggravation at Kroger, was actualy able to cash it at the Chase bank it was drawn on.

Rather than shop at Kroger thereafter, i went to Walgreen and had something of a snack attack. And there is soda. and a bag's worth of ice in the freezer.  I am happy.  

Didn't find a lot to occupy my mind this morning, but i decided to be constructive. I decided to start weeding the bookmarks. I've thrown a lot away.  Sometimes, it can feel really really good to throw useless things away.

But then again, i didn't exactly go through the Game and game related links...I can never seem to throw that stuff away. I always half expect that links i've tucked away in there will turn up in something or other.

If nothing else, i'd like to at least change the titles on all the links that say "Link" or "Index" to say something about what they actually are.
Hopefully, my character will have been properly vetted by the ST's at Insidious Reflection by this weekend.  Also, i'd like to design some things i've been putting off for ages for my Zazzle store.  They have new products too.   You can even make custom notebooks now. This is something that i may have to jump on with both feet.

Vanessa, who is in my show is ill. I am hoping we don't have a repeat of "Pillowman" where everyone in the damn cast got sick twice. Frankly, with the swine flu in play, I am not looking forward to this cold and flu season.  I keep flashing on "The Stand"
Epidemiologist are basically saying that H1n1  seems to either be mild, or it sends you to the ICU.  There doesn't seem to be much in the way of middle ground.   Me. I'm doubling up on my vitamins.  I'm not keen to roll the dice.

The same week that the Victorian Mage opens, Pirates of Penzance and The Elephant Man turn up on Hulu.
Kevin Klein as the pirate king is a hoot.

You know earlier today i was bitching about Twitter and Myspace and Facebook not being set up for any kind of long forms of thoughts. However in order for that to be important, i kind of need to have some long and fully formed thoughts to share.  You know?  and looking over recent post i find myself skimming the surface a lot.

So let's get right down into it.

You know that crazy self destructive howling at the moon loneliness that i usually get into on occasion, where i rail at the vast unfairness of it all and piss and moan about how i don't have anyone in my life...

Yeah. I'm not really doing that anymore. 
Which is not to say that there is some new someone in my life, but maybe i've just worn a callous in that particular bit of my emotional apparatus and it just doesn't seem to hurt anymore.

See. I know me. A lot of the loneliness i've experienced has come about as a result of certain choices i made in my life. So, to a degree i just kind of have to suck it up and deal with the consequences.

I don't know exactly what changed, or when, or even how.  But for some reason it's all stopped hurting.
Is that healing?  Am I ready to love again.  Maybe. But i can tell you, that i'm not looking. I'm not even looking while telling myself that i'm not looking.  Perhaps something in me has resigned itself to the existence i now possess.

Which is odd. There are times, when i just feel like i'm marking time until death. I don't feel as if i'm working towards any larger goal at all.  Even a number of my writing projects have slowed to a crawl.  I'm effectively Muse-free, and yet i don't seem to be looking forward to trying to fix the problem.

Parse it:  If Love means creativity, but also means suffering that's almost more than i can bear, is the one worth the other? Especially when i only end up with the art in the end?  Art is good. I like art. I like making it and i like sharing it. But it won't keep you warm in the night. It won't help you sleep. It won't keep from being lonely and howling at the moon.

It's a thorny problem. I can only hope that the shadow of the Hanged Man passes off me, and something new reveals itself to me. I just hope that when the new path comes to me, i don't blow it off as a waste of time.

And another thing. I seem to have less trouble with shutting doors for good these days. In some ways this seems to be a relief. No more long nights of torturing myself over things that went wrong or possibilities that will never bear fruit. Those nights are gone and I'm glad to see the back of them.

And part of that is that i no longer feel as I have to be my own worst critic.  Plenty of people willing to tell my work and my life aren't worth shit out of pure meanness. Why duplicate effort. Know what i mean?

In any case, I tend to think that some of these changes were necessary and long in coming. I don't think i'm going to turn into a case hardened asshole as a result of them...And even if I did, it would probably mean that i would get laid more often.

Ah well.  In any case, There are times like this when i feel as if my mental furniture is getting rearranged. This seems like one of those times.

 A short update before i'm off to rehearsal. 
Mage Victorian is taking characters now and I've got my guy in.
Bald Soprano is failing to inspire me right at the moment. Hopefully that will clear off.

Working some extra days this month, which will mean some extra dough.
I will have Halloween off from everything.  We've talked about throwing a party here, but no one here in the house seems to be able to get off the dime.  I'd like to throw a party where we might have some rock band and a number of additional instruments to play with. Hell Invite people to bring their own axes and just jam. I think that'd be fun.

But on the other hand, i don't think i'd mind going somewhere else to party this year either. Hopefully, this weekend i'll get with some friends and go see Zombieland.

Must dash. Off to do that theater thing i do.