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19 August 2013 @ 02:16 am
Questioning  
If you have any kind of intellect. You have questions.

If you are particularly smart you question everything at least once.

Lately, I find myself questioning my worth and the worth of every single scrap of work I have ever done. Of course, this is not designed to make me feel good. It's just one of the myriad ways i have of torturing myself, like thinking of past relationship and trying to figure out what i could have done.

I kind of wish that I had decided to go into another field other than acting or writing. I don't know what it would be, but the ability to point at something tangible and say "I did THAT at least" would be a comfort on nights like these.

Even I know, that I've had an effect on this world and the people around me. I'm not so blind that I can't see THAT. But it doesn't shake the feeling that all my works are only so many bagatelles. Little fripperies and bits of airy persiflage.

I've naught but a bag of tricks.

Like all things of this nature. This weather will pass. I only hope that on the other side of it lies some sunny weather or impetus to press on.
 
 
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coelicoeli on August 19th, 2013 07:09 pm (UTC)
My sympathies! I get bouts like that sometimes too. I try to look at it this way. If people didn't like my writing, nobody would ever have asked to see a second piece. If people didn't enjoy my acting, I wouldn't get cast. If people didn't like the games I run, they wouldn't come. And those things aren't insignificant. Life without enjoyment, even if physical needs were all met, would be awfully bleak.

*HUGS* I hope the sun shines through for you soon.
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